I did not imagine or reimagine the "accident report" you are about to read. Perhaps you have seen it before yourself, since it has been around for awhile. I first encountered this "accident report" when I was working at Gulf Oil almost 40 years ago. Of course, back in the day, there was no such thing as the internet or email, so I got it as a paper copy from one of the guys in the group I worked with. Somehow or other, he had gotten his hands on a copy somewhere, and then "Xeroxed" it to hand out to the rest of the group. I found the story hilarious at the time, and have kept it in my "archives" ever since then. Passing printed jokes around work, instead of sending them via email, seems to quaint now.
Although I have encountered it a couple of times in the years since then, I had no idea where or when it had originated. I did a DuckDuckGo search for a couple of key phrases in the document, and discovered it has been around the block once or thrice already. It became "famous" in 1958 when Gerard Hoffnung told his version of the story to the Oxford Union, a debating society in Oxford, England. Hoffnung was well-known as a cartoonist, tuba player, impresario, broadcaster and humorist, and he used the story to "warm up" his audiences before performances.
The derivation of the story is confused, but it first arises in the 1930s. It was published in Reader's Digest in 1940 as a letter from a naval officer who had supposedly received it from an enlisted man explaining his late return from leave. [Gerard] Hoffnung first saw the story in The Manchester Guardian in 1957; the version printed there is identical with the text used by Hoffnung, except for the location, which he changed from Barbados to Golders Green.
The following text comes from Gerard Hoffnung telling the Bricklayer's Accident Report at the Oxford Union in 1958.
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Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
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NOTE: The cartoon of the bricklayer was drawn by Raoul Pascual, who has the bricklayer's accident report on his website, Raoul's T.G.I.F Joke. Raoul claimed it was sent to him by "Jojo an ex-Navy man who used to board the USS Midway," and was "printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent to the Workers Compensation board and is a true story." From this, it appears that the story has not just been around the block once or thrice, but has sailed around the world, too.